Final Destination 5 (2013)

In my opinion the Final Destination franchise is the worst series of horror films released in the last 20 years, beating even the many crappy Saw sequels, and the fifth installment of this terrible franchise is the worst yet. Now, pretty much all aspects of this film are bad, but let start with the acting. The two main characters and best friends Peter 'eyebrows' Friedkin (Miles Fisher) and Sam Lawton (Nicholas D'Agosto), really do take the biscuit with some of the worst acting I've ever seen. Not only is their line delivery shocking, but Peter Freidkins eyebrow prevent the viewer from taking him seriously at all (you will understand when you see them.)

The inevitable far-fetched and ridiculous deaths start happening right from the start. When Sam and Miles embark on a work trip with their colleges. Whilst sat on a coach in a traffic jam, Sam has a premonition that the bridge they are on will soon collapse. .


Just as he starts warning the group of their imminent deaths, the bridge starts to crumble beneath them. Luckily enough, however, the main characters all survive, while a bunch of extras die when the bus plunges into the river below.  The rest of the film plays out the same as previous four installments - with death hunting down the annoying characters and eventually catching up with them in increasingly ridiculous ways.

The paycheck wasn't bad, so I don't give a fuck!

There's practically no plot. Just a showcase of stupidity and bad acting in-between the death scenes. I actually enjoyed the death scenes, not for the special effects or gore, but because one of the annoying characters had been killed. The final scene in the kitchen is a showcase of all the things that make this film terrible: the terrible acting, ridiculous script, and predictable deaths. The only highlights:  the crappy actors eventually die, and Tony 'Candyman' Todd's cameo.

I really hope they don't make any more of these films. I wouldn't even categorize this crap as cinema. Stay well clear of this, or you'll regret it.

Final Destination 5 (2013)

In my opinion the Final Destination franchise is the worst series of horror films released in the last 20 years, beating even the many crappy Saw sequels, and the fifth installment of this terrible franchise is the worst yet. Now, pretty much all aspects of this film are bad, but let start with the acting. The two main characters and best friends Peter 'eyebrows' Friedkin (Miles Fisher) and Sam Lawton (Nicholas D'Agosto), really do take the biscuit with some of the worst acting I've ever seen. Not only is their line delivery shocking, but Peter Freidkins eyebrow prevent the viewer from taking him seriously at all (you will understand when you see them.)

The inevitable far-fetched and ridiculous deaths start happening right from the start. When Sam and Miles embark on a work trip with their colleges. Whilst sat on a coach in a traffic jam, Sam has a premonition that the bridge they are on will soon collapse. .


Just as he starts warning the group of their imminent deaths, the bridge starts to crumble beneath them. Luckily enough, however, the main characters all survive, while a bunch of extras die when the bus plunges into the river below.  The rest of the film plays out the same as previous four installments - with death hunting down the annoying characters and eventually catching up with them in increasingly ridiculous ways.

The paycheck wasn't bad, so I don't give a fuck!

There's practically no plot. Just a showcase of stupidity and bad acting in-between the death scenes. I actually enjoyed the death scenes, not for the special effects or gore, but because one of the annoying characters had been killed. The final scene in the kitchen is a showcase of all the things that make this film terrible: the terrible acting, ridiculous script, and predictable deaths. The only highlights:  the crappy actors eventually die, and Tony 'Candyman' Todd's cameo.

I really hope they don't make any more of these films. I wouldn't even categorize this crap as cinema. Stay well clear of this, or you'll regret it.

The Den (2013)

It's not surprising to see yet another found-footage film, seeing as they account for 90% of all horror films made these days, and sadly, it's not a surprise to see one as bad as The Den.

Elizabeth is a social media student who, as part of her thesis, intends to spend a few months chatting with completes strangers on a socials media site called The Den, what could possible go wrong..? After a few days of lazing around her apartment talking to strangers, she eventually come's across a disturbing video of a women being murdered. She immediately goes to the police, who show the kind of incompetency you come to expect from cops in films like this. The cop views tape and says "it sure looks real, but unfortunately it's impossible for us to this guy..."



Soon her friends and family start being picked off by this online nutter, but at no point does she notify the police. After the series of annoying video and unrealistic video conferences she has with strangers, I was glad to finally see some action.

The police in this film are absolutely useless. After Elizabeth calls them again after her boyfriend goes missing, they immediately dismiss her story and even threaten to lock her up for telling stories,  even though there was a laptop left on the floor of the place he was last seen, possibly containing evidence.

The found footage element doesn't fit in with certain scenes. I mean would you still be filming everything if some nutcase was stalking you? Or when you were rushing to your sisters house, worried that someone was gonna kill her? This is why found-footage is over used these days and most of the time doesn't work right.

There's  plenty of blood and gore in the film, and the killer looks genuinely creepy wearing the sackcloth mask. Unfortunately, that doesn't make up for the film's other shortcomings.

Scarecrow anyone?

The Den was a good idea poorly executed. The idea of a social media killer is great, and I would love to see a non-found-footage film based on that.

The Den (2013)

It's not surprising to see yet another found-footage film, seeing as they account for 90% of all horror films made these days, and sadly, it's not a surprise to see one as bad as The Den.

Elizabeth is a social media student who, as part of her thesis, intends to spend a few months chatting with completes strangers on a socials media site called The Den, what could possible go wrong..? After a few days of lazing around her apartment talking to strangers, she eventually come's across a disturbing video of a women being murdered. She immediately goes to the police, who show the kind of incompetency you come to expect from cops in films like this. The cop views tape and says "it sure looks real, but unfortunately it's impossible for us to this guy..."



Soon her friends and family start being picked off by this online nutter, but at no point does she notify the police. After the series of annoying video and unrealistic video conferences she has with strangers, I was glad to finally see some action.

The police in this film are absolutely useless. After Elizabeth calls them again after her boyfriend goes missing, they immediately dismiss her story and even threaten to lock her up for telling stories,  even though there was a laptop left on the floor of the place he was last seen, possibly containing evidence.

The found footage element doesn't fit in with certain scenes. I mean would you still be filming everything if some nutcase was stalking you? Or when you were rushing to your sisters house, worried that someone was gonna kill her? This is why found-footage is over used these days and most of the time doesn't work right.

There's  plenty of blood and gore in the film, and the killer looks genuinely creepy wearing the sackcloth mask. Unfortunately, that doesn't make up for the film's other shortcomings.

Scarecrow anyone?

The Den was a good idea poorly executed. The idea of a social media killer is great, and I would love to see a non-found-footage film based on that.

The Invoking (2013)

Well, what can I say...quite possibly the worst horror film that I have ever seen! The acting (if you can call it that) was absolutely horrendous. The story was stupid and made no sense,  it wasn't scary at all! The props and special effects were shit!. I just can't believe I wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this shit; the only thing it 'Invoked' in me was boredom.

The Invoking (2013)

Well, what can I say...quite possibly the worst horror film that I have ever seen! The acting (if you can call it that) was absolutely horrendous. The story was stupid and made no sense,  it wasn't scary at all! The props and special effects were shit!. I just can't believe I wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this shit; the only thing it 'Invoked' in me was boredom.

You're Next (2013)

You're Next is part of the "Mumblegore" sub-genre of low budget indie horror. Recent additions to this increasing popular sub-genre are House of  the Devil , The Innkeepers and VHS. The best way to describe this "Mumblegore" (ridiculous name) is a mix or art house  and old school horror.

Anyway lets talk about the film. The Davison Family decide to have a family reunion at their huge mansion in the country. Tension run high among the siblings and arguments soon breakout during the lavish banquet the family gather for in dining room in the evening.

The stormy reunion is soon interrupted when a group of men wearing animal masks break into the house and start terrorising the family. The masks look really creepy and include a Lamb,Wolf and a Fox.

As the Davison family clan gets picked off one by one by the intruders, one of the family decides to fight back; Erin, the wife of one of the families son's who apparently grew up on a Survivalist Compound (convenient), puts her survivalist skills to use using survival tactics, and setting nasty traps for the masked killers.

When only a few of family remain, a huge plot twist is revealed, at twist that makes Erin's survival even more difficult. The the bloody deaths that Erin inflicts on the intruders are original and grizzly, the best of which involves a food blender being stuck into a mans head.

I loved the whole feel of this film. It was perfectly paced with lots of tension, creepy scenes and atmosphere. Ti West's is quickly becoming one of my favorite horror directors, and You're Next is his best effort so far. Sharni Vinson's performance as the final girl, Erin, was superb, as were the performce from the rest of the mostly unknown cast. 

You're Next is a well written violent gore-fest with some truly memorable kills involving axes, nails, meat tenderizers and of course the infamous food blender scene, and is one of may all-time  favorite survival horrors.

You're Next (2013)

You're Next is part of the "Mumblegore" sub-genre of low budget indie horror. Recent additions to this increasing popular sub-genre are House of  the Devil , The Innkeepers and VHS. The best way to describe this "Mumblegore" (ridiculous name) is a mix or art house  and old school horror.

Anyway lets talk about the film. The Davison Family decide to have a family reunion at their huge mansion in the country. Tension run high among the siblings and arguments soon breakout during the lavish banquet the family gather for in dining room in the evening.

The stormy reunion is soon interrupted when a group of men wearing animal masks break into the house and start terrorising the family. The masks look really creepy and include a Lamb,Wolf and a Fox.

As the Davison family clan gets picked off one by one by the intruders, one of the family decides to fight back; Erin, the wife of one of the families son's who apparently grew up on a Survivalist Compound (convenient), puts her survivalist skills to use using survival tactics, and setting nasty traps for the masked killers.

When only a few of family remain, a huge plot twist is revealed, at twist that makes Erin's survival even more difficult. The the bloody deaths that Erin inflicts on the intruders are original and grizzly, the best of which involves a food blender being stuck into a mans head.

I loved the whole feel of this film. It was perfectly paced with lots of tension, creepy scenes and atmosphere. Ti West's is quickly becoming one of my favorite horror directors, and You're Next is his best effort so far. Sharni Vinson's performance as the final girl, Erin, was superb, as were the performce from the rest of the mostly unknown cast. 

You're Next is a well written violent gore-fest with some truly memorable kills involving axes, nails, meat tenderizers and of course the infamous food blender scene, and is one of may all-time  favorite survival horrors.

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

This film picks up from where the last film left off, with clairvoyant,  Elise, stuck in a trance trying to free Josh Lambert from the other world, while her two assistants Tucker and Specs, and fellow clairvoyant, Carl, try to figure out how to bring them back.

The plot has just too many holes and was poorly put together. To be honest, I thought about turning it off a few times, it was just predictable and boring. The strange overuse of bright colors on the sets didn't add atmosphere, but rather made the film feel childish and unconvincing.

One of the few high points in the film is the scene where Carl tries to draw out the evil spirit that's possessing Josh Lambert, and the ensuing fight between Josh, Carl, Tucker and Specs.



The only scene I found really creepy or scary was the scene when the girl ran out of the boys closet, and started talking to him through the string and can. The acting from Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne was pretty good, as is the case in the other films they acted in together in. The special effects were good, just poorly used, as the films contained no big scares of any kind. If a third film is in the pipeline things are gonna have to improve, James Wan really dropped the ball with this one.

Come on James Wan you can do better than this!

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

This film picks up from where the last film left off, with clairvoyant,  Elise, stuck in a trance trying to free Josh Lambert from the other world, while her two assistants Tucker and Specs, and fellow clairvoyant, Carl, try to figure out how to bring them back.

The plot has just too many holes and was poorly put together. To be honest, I thought about turning it off a few times, it was just predictable and boring. The strange overuse of bright colors on the sets didn't add atmosphere, but rather made the film feel childish and unconvincing.

One of the few high points in the film is the scene where Carl tries to draw out the evil spirit that's possessing Josh Lambert, and the ensuing fight between Josh, Carl, Tucker and Specs.



The only scene I found really creepy or scary was the scene when the girl ran out of the boys closet, and started talking to him through the string and can. The acting from Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne was pretty good, as is the case in the other films they acted in together in. The special effects were good, just poorly used, as the films contained no big scares of any kind. If a third film is in the pipeline things are gonna have to improve, James Wan really dropped the ball with this one.

Come on James Wan you can do better than this!

Big Ass Spider (2013)

Compared to the recent b-movie horrors released in the last few years - Big Ass Spider! is one of the better ones, with half decent CGI and some pretty good laughs along the way.

The film starts with a scene of apocalypse, with a gigantic spider destroying skyscrapers in downtown L.A. The only thing that stands in the way of the city being destroyed is Alex Mathis, an exterminator played by Greg "Heroes" Grunberg. After the premonition of destruction scene at the start, the film really starts when Alex Mathis is bitten by a spider while on a job. He's goes to the nearby hospital and has an injection of  anti-venom. Just as he is leaving the hospital, the fire alarm goes off..

The alarm was raised by a pathologist who claims to have been attacked by a huge spider that hatched out of corpse he was working on., Alex is called upon to hunt down the spider.

It soon becomes apparent that this is no ordinary spider, and the military soon arrive to quarantine the hospital. The spider gets bigger and bigger with the more people that it kills and soon escapes the hospital, and goes on a rampage around L.A, followed closely along the way by Alex Mathis and a security guard he met at the hospital.

During his attempt to kill the spider Alex meets an attractive blonde army Sergent - in fact all the women in this film are attractive and have big tits . The death scenes mostly evolve scantly clad women being crushed by the spider. The rest of the film is made up of: swimsuit models running about screaming with their tits bouncing around and cheesy one-liners are what make this film so ridiculous but at the same time so entertaining.

Big Ass Spider! is probably the best b-movie horror of the last five years. A quick popcorn action comedy that shouldn't be taken too seriously. 

Major Braxton Tanner: "Good God!"

Big Ass Spider (2013)

Compared to the recent b-movie horrors released in the last few years - Big Ass Spider! is one of the better ones, with half decent CGI and some pretty good laughs along the way.

The film starts with a scene of apocalypse, with a gigantic spider destroying skyscrapers in downtown L.A. The only thing that stands in the way of the city being destroyed is Alex Mathis, an exterminator played by Greg "Heroes" Grunberg. After the premonition of destruction scene at the start, the film really starts when Alex Mathis is bitten by a spider while on a job. He's goes to the nearby hospital and has an injection of  anti-venom. Just as he is leaving the hospital, the fire alarm goes off..

The alarm was raised by a pathologist who claims to have been attacked by a huge spider that hatched out of corpse he was working on., Alex is called upon to hunt down the spider.

It soon becomes apparent that this is no ordinary spider, and the military soon arrive to quarantine the hospital. The spider gets bigger and bigger with the more people that it kills and soon escapes the hospital, and goes on a rampage around L.A, followed closely along the way by Alex Mathis and a security guard he met at the hospital.

During his attempt to kill the spider Alex meets an attractive blonde army Sergent - in fact all the women in this film are attractive and have big tits . The death scenes mostly evolve scantly clad women being crushed by the spider. The rest of the film is made up of: swimsuit models running about screaming with their tits bouncing around and cheesy one-liners are what make this film so ridiculous but at the same time so entertaining.

Big Ass Spider! is probably the best b-movie horror of the last five years. A quick popcorn action comedy that shouldn't be taken too seriously. 

Major Braxton Tanner: "Good God!"

Carrie (2013)

The worst pile of stinking, poisonous sludge ever to be dredged up from the deepest, darkest depths of cinema - and that's being kind!

The director did nothing new with the source material: the film was a clone of the original, except with crap acting, dialogue, music, and I'm shocked that Julianne Moore had anything to do with this turd. The acting from most of the characters was awful, especially the cheerleader and jock.

Chloe Grace Moretz's performance was passable.. I cannot, however, find any real positives in this abomination. 
A short review is all this film deserves, as it is probably the worst horror remake ever made.

A bucket of blood and a few standard horror deaths.